What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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