woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
