There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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