all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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