there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
