I'm gonna have a badass scar
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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