before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
