using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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