96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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