Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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