you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
