do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
