Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
