i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
pray to the hookup gods
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
