Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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