Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Text me some of your sweat
I did not marry a roomba.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
