Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
