I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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