Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
