It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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