did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
