Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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