i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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