Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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