He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
