Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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