Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
