i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
