so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
