o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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