I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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