and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
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