Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Randomize
