dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
