Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
