Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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