Your face is a jimmy john
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
can u get pink eye on your cock?
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
