Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
