Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
