So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
