I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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