So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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