I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
