I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
