If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Pooping to opera.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
