Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
