You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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