So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
