Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
