youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
