Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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