I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The beer is more important than you right now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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