I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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