Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's the barista slut.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
