so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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